Blank Brain

 

Silence is louder than words.

I've realized that...I don't actually think. I just parrot back what I've observed, what I hear. I don't come up with anything, just...recall it from memory and research. My memory is terrible, so I often don't even realize what I'm doing until someone tells me but...this isn't good. I'm not contributing anything to the game, and I flounder when put in the spotlight. When thrust into it, I either freeze and fawn, or just...completely shutdown. Especially when I mess up. 

    What made me come to this realization?
The game I play with friends sometimes. I don't...come up with solutions or jokes. I just float along and observe like some lost ghost that enjoys watching their companions smile and laugh. I can parrot back those smiles. The laughter. The jokes...but I'm not actually there. I never have been. 
   

 What does this mean?

I just going through the motions. Never an actual thought though my brain. I might get antsy and want to watch TV rather than do my work, but...other than that and the self hatred, I don't have many thoughts anymore. No introspective, nothing. if I do, such as today, it vanishes after a few minutes and I just get tired and begin to space out. 

    Why is this distressing/Causing concern?
Because I have work to do. I need to finish my commissions. I want to actually contribute to conversations and groups, my mind is just...not there, regardless of how much I fight it. 
I feel like I fucked my brain up with having overdosed a few times (or at least tried) and this is the result (or stopping/starting antidepressants)


Is this a symptom? A new diagnosis? Or me being a space cadet? 

Logically, this could be a symptom of depression. Severe, recurrent depression. I am unmediated, so many of the symptoms linked to this could be a result, but this is still active during medicated...incidents