paralyzed

 

I am so paralyzed of feeling so alone, but it's my own fault. 

Why? 

I am so terrified of actually opening up to the people I care about. Strangers is fine but...I don't want to hurt or concern those around me I care about. I want them to be happy, but it's so strange. I can't make them happy by trying to keep them in the dark about what's going on, but I can't make them happy by telling them about everything. 

I'm just so tired and lonely. I feel so isolated from...everyone. It doesn't matter in the big picture but I yearn for someone that loves me. romantically? Platonically? I just want to be held and made to feel secure. Also though, I feel like I'm not...emotionally available for a relationship. Nor will I ever be...but it's...melancholy to think of what could be, but what never will. To pretend there is someone who would put up with.

I used to get angry or jealous when i saw couples. Happy married ones. Nowdays...I just get sad for myself, and happy for them. Everyone around me is...married...in a relationship...happy...meanwhile, I'm a buzzed child that's depressed and pretending that people want me around.