Hurt yourself less: Life as I remember it
Unreliable, but i suppose i should clarify my life as chaotic as possible.
1998 - Birth (parkersburg, wv)
2000 - Bio Dad blow out. Physcially assaulted brother and mother. Was arrested.
2001 - Moved to Ravenswood with mother, brothers and sisters. Left alone most days while mother work and siblings went to friends after school (4-6 hours. Would continue throughout life)
2003-2006 - bio dad had partial custody. Visited him sometimes until he and his parents gave up. mom lied to him saying i wanted nothing to do with him and his parents.
Sexually assaulted from oldest brother a few times in farm house (ignored by mother when admitted).
2007-2010 - Middle school. Made fun of because of weight. had no friends.
outcast. 1-2 friends, many acquaintances.
Heavily sheltered.
Went to after school program.
Began Christianity? Began to dapple at art.
2011 - Started High school
Was heavily bullied for weight and drawing in class
was the weird kid in class
was the joke of the school (jokingly asked out, etc)
Youth group participant. Felt odd.
2012- bullied more. parents began fighting
realized something was wrong, couldn't pinpoint it. Ignored it.
Began to lose faith.
Suicide attempt #1- No research method
It's a little...hazy
2013 - bullied more. Step dad's heroin addiction revealed and he began his trucker life for him to be out of the house for weeks/months at a time.
began to self harm (cut)
Suicide attempt #2 - ???
mother took over own therapy. I gave up...Had weird diet competition with friend. Admitted to parents i was LGBT ; called me slurs....Completely lost faith in god after being told god doesn't like fa*****
2014 - big panic attack. big blow up parents. I believe this is the year i started therapy?
Tried to end life
Admitted to mom suicidal- had to make decision on mommy bootcamp or being put up for adoption ((threat with both parents))
Started being isolated from friends.
Self harm worsening.
2015 - big blow up with step dad cheating on mom, threatening to shave her bald, cheating on mom with another person. Stopped eating, started exercising every sunday for 2 hours. Lost friends I had.
Tried to end life
Depersonalize episode
Stop/started antidepressants a few times
Tested for learning disability
Self injury worsening.
2016-
Moved to Joe short drive
Suicide attempt #3
hospitalized 5 days after 18th birthday
Graduated high school in may
Started College August
found notes bio dad mailed to me stating how much he loved me and how mom never would give them to me.
2017- College. Met art friends.
Struggled with body image and self hatred more.
Got into abusive relationship/sexually assaulted at least 2x a day.
Therapist helped to get me out of that relationship.
2018-
Stopped going to college
kicked out of mother's place
moved to Huntington via friends.
Dropped all contact from family.
2019- Moved to Ohio in August
Jumped from job to job.
Had fun with friends.
Hated body. Hated self.
managed to be mostly clean from self harm, but kept up "dieting"
2020:
-Struggling to open up to best friend
-trying to take care of physical/emotional health
-COVID (march)
-Suicide attempt #4(5/4)
-Moved again
- Starbucks job
- Suicide attempt #5(11/14)
-Suicide attempt #6(12/24)
- Suicide attempt #7(12/25)
-Suicide attempt #8(12/26)
2021:
-Hospitalized 1/4 - 1-13
-Suicide attempt #9(June)
-Suicide attempt #10(july)
-Startek Job (August)
-Moved in with brother w/ threat of being in hospital again(September)
-Left Startek (December)
2022:
-Started contact with BIO dad and his parents
- looking for job that doesn't make me suicidal
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want people not to worry
hide problems so people won't worry
People know you're hiding them and worry even more
don't tell them what's wrong for so long but finally do somewhat indirectly
they feel terrible they didn't do more to help before
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