[REDACTED] - Disordered Eating

 

i hate my body. But we both know this. It's hard to explain that you restrict your intake, panic when you gain 3lbs overnight (water weight) and obsessively plan the next 3 weeks even though you know you're just going to fuck everything up as you usually do. I admitted I have "food issues" but I never really went into depth, did I? I suppose let's dive into that.

My "disordered eating" thing, started in 2015...when my friends started to eat less and less, and began to lose weight. I was bullied heavily for being a fatass, jokes about tubby...about how my breasts were fake because i hit puberty too fast and how my mom was so depressed she didn't care to really cook healthy foods...or even care that i was gaining like a whale. So, i started restricting. Started to obsess. Listening and reading books about losing weight, eating disorders, mental illnesses... and then it began. I started the first week by maintaining under 1000 calories a day, plus working off any calories excess....then 800. then 600....then 400. Then the obsession over the "plans" the internet made up. AIT, ABC, HSGD. All promising 10-20-30 lbs lost over 15-20 days. So I planned. Journals filling inspiration, failures on eating over my caloric limit, obsession over any person i thought was "inspiration" or thin, especially my two friends that got me started. They were beautiful. One killed herself, the other is still beautiful but...thankfully gained weight. I still want to be thin and dainty as the one who ended their lives...as fucked up as that is. I always think; one day, i'll be thinner. Eventually. 


What am I saying? I still do it. I'm still obsessed. I still have journals of rules i've made up, foods that scare the fuck out of me cause I know they'll trigger a binge, and how many calories I'm allotted each day. To be fair, it does scare me too. I've royally fucked up my body with this. New allergies that genuinely cause physical symptoms. I'm constantly cold. I've collapsed before and now i can barely eat without having a damn conniption like a child. Meat? Dairy? Sugar? My body goes 'ahaha no, thanks' and bam! Diarrhea. Cramps. And now it happens with everything so...yay? When i was in the hospital, I know the dietitian knew. I could fucking tell. That sparkle in his goddamn eye knowing i had something to do with food, but because i came in with suicidal shit and didn't complain other than eating he didn't do anything. I faked eating most of the time. Fasted 70-ish hours from 8pm in the ER until 5pm on Wednesday (Monday night to Wednesday night) and i've never been angrier with myself cause i've been trying to recreate that fast since i've gotten out. 


 I still have plans. I eat, is the thing. I do. I eat chips, I eat bread..i eat ice cream. I just obsess over calories or self harm if i eat. Occasionally abuse laxatives or vomit until i've successfully felt "clean" which, logically I know is a ruse but...I can't stand the feeling of being full. Or half full. Or knowing there's something in my stomach. Some days I fast...or just don't eat anything.24-48-72. Anything past 72 means you could die of heart failure, which isn't really a good thing so i don't normally go past 72. As I've said: I'm fat. I know that. But i also know all this shit. I've researched it all. I know my body fat %, my "addictive brain" type (depressive, if you'd like to know), and what my weight BMI goals are. 

 I obsess about how fat my hands are...how protruding my belly is....how jiggly my thighs are. A lot of people love that, and that's great. But i want to be thin. I want to be beautiful and cute and dainty. I want to look androgynously thin, with no boobs, no hips, no belly pouch. Thin face, intimidating look. I know what i want to look like, but every time i look in the mirror I see a fat, disgusting joke of a failure. I care a little about how others see me, but who i care most about seeing me is ME. I hate myself and body, and I just want to be fucking THIN. I want to be thin like some of the characters I've made, because they're beautiful. 

I don't want people to keep me how i am right now. I need to be thin. I'm miserable in this fat fleshbag and i just want to be beautiful and dainty. I don't have a disorder because I'm *fat*, and that's a good thing. Nobody believes a fat bastard has an eating disorder. Logically, not true. A lot of people with eating disorders aren't overweight, but the fun part is stereotypically doctors do class people based on weight so I can get away with it...until Ellen snitches. Which, knowing my dumbass self, she's reading this as well. Hi Ellen. How are you? Or a new therapist. In which case: Hi therapist. Welcome to the shitshow. regardless, there you go. There's the disordered eating bullshit. 

i'll probably add more later. when i want to.