[REDACTED] - Anxiety

 

Can you wrap your mind around the thought of never having a future? Living every day going 'i'm not going to make it to X"...and then, somehow, you wake up to X....and then you realize fuck...I have to actually have to have a future. Maybe I'm actually going to live, and fuck...i've got to figure out what i want to do with the rest of my miserable life. 
Yeah...that was all of my life. X was 23. 
I've been disassociating everywhere. Work, home, hanging out with friends, therapy. My mind feels fuzzy, i can't think about anything, Time feels fake and so do I. I try and get back to earth but...half the time i don't even know i'm doing it until it's over, and then i'm just...confused. Tired. I know the triggers-people. Stress. Being yelled at. Disappointing people. There's not much I can do to avoid all those triggers, so i guess I just fake it till i make it. or hurt myself. that helps a lot honestly. It makes me so fucking nervous to reach out to people. How...how do people do it? How do people not get nervous talking about serious shit? Not to depress or worry people with what they say? 
fuck it, anyways...it feels like i'm being constantly, non con squeezed every goddamn second i exist.