[REDACTED] - Self Injury/Suicidal thoughts

 

What would it take to make a person willingly hurt themselves? Really. Someone mentally healthy to drag something sharp against their skin. Money? Manipulation? Gaslighting? Really think about that. Don't just say 'oh you're crazy' because yes, you've already read the last post. I am.
When you look into death's gaping eye sockets, and survive multiple times, you realize death isn't that scary. It's the consequences that are if you fail and/or succeed. If you fail, you risk hospitalization, brain damage, etc. If you succeed, someone has to find the body. Other people pretend they give a shit about you when they didn't even know you, and it leaves permanent damage to those you loved and cared about. When you plan for it long enough, you pick the lesser evils. You distance yourself from people. You plan to wreck friendships to protect those who can't handle the death. The final days are a coin toss on if things will go the right way, or if they'll go shit up and things will explode into chaos. Regardless, you become numb to the fact you'll die and just continue to plan. 
i'm not planning on killing myself again, but I still remember and know what it feels like to accept death. No. Not selfish. fuck you for saying that. Would you say that to someone who thought they had stage 3 cancer and was thinking about ending it? Or anyone who had a terminal fucking illness? I'm not encouraging people to end their lives, I'm saying that SAYING someone who has tried/thought about ending their lives could really result in something fucking atrocious...like screwing up their recovery...hell could result in a relapse for those still at-risk. They're Ill. Really...really ill. Maybe they're scared. Maybe they're just tired of suffering. That's not selfish, that's human to completely exhaust all the coping mechanisms and see no way out. Sorry, tanget. regardless, I know so many ways that are still in the back of my mind. Everything can be dangerous with knowledge, i suppose that's why the hospital didn't want to let me out. they knew that I knew.   

Self harm keeps my mind sharp. Helps me remember the bigger picture. Disordered eating or feeling so fuzzy that only an injury would help. The deeper the more pain, so the sharper the world becomes. it's an addiction, and I know it. I want to stop but i also...just don't.